Stupid Slow Food Lady

I normally review food, but this is totally food-related.  Bear with me.

I saw this lady on Bill Maher's show the other day, promoting "slow food."  Apparently "slow food" is when you cook everything from scratch in the slowest way possible.  Like we used to in the "old days." 

I understand that this is healthier.  I'm not going to argue that it isn't.  It is way healthier to make everything from scratch.  But really?  Unless you absolutely don't work and have a lot of money, it isn't always very feasible.  She argued that it was totally possible to eat "slow" and be poor.  I might give you that if you have conveniences like electricity, a fridge/freezer, access to a good supermarket, and no special dietary needs.  I know from my experience that the first hurdle is dietary needs.  If you don't have to supplement your diet with soy milk, egg replacer, or gluten free bread, you are going to spend a lot less money.  Great.

Next we need access to a supermarket.  Possible in more rural areas but less possible in the city.  I realize we're talking about America here, but my experience is that here in Tokyo the supermarkets are smaller and more expensive, while the ones just outside Tokyo are a lot larger and cheaper.  I'm prettttty sure this is the same back home.  And let's not forget that, like I am here in Tokyo, you may be limited to what you can carry if you can't afford a car (or just car-less in general).  So that economical bag of beans is out.  So is the economical, wholesale package of chicken parts.  You're stuck buying smaller amounts of things, which are already more expensive.  When you can choose a frozen dinner or 20 ingredients to make it from scratch, which are you going to choose?  Probably whatever is lighter.

Then you need something to keep it in and heat it up.  You can buy a Hot Pocket and heat it up at the convenience store if you don't have a microwave at home.  Even if you do have cooking implements, you're going to need cooling implements.  If you're rather poor and don't have a fridge or even electricity, there is no way in hell you are going to buy or cook enough of anything to be remotely economical.  The McD's dollar menu is your best bet.  Once again, being that I live in Tokyo, I know what it is to have no fridge or freezer space.  If you have a small fridge or freezer, even if you HAVE it, you are still limited on the amount of bulk cooking you can do.  (I won't get into how my kitchen is basically a gas burner and a sink.  A single burner.)

I wish Maher had prodded her when she said that poor people could easily do the slow food thing.  And not just for the points I just made.  Also for the point that OH MY GOD FOOD TAKES TIME.

Yes, we have crockpots to do some of that work for us, and I guess those count as slow food.  But most food that requires stoves and ovens is going to require a person sitting around and minding that.  If you're poor and working 2 or 3 jobs, when are you going to find that time to mind the stove?  If you have 3 kids swarming around your legs, how are you going to mind the oven and still get stuff done?  The fact of the matter is that at the end of the day, the last thing some people want to do is cook.  And it's not satisfying to simply just eat an apple.  You want to eat something satisfying, but you don't want to spend an hour or two preparing it.  And then another 10-20 minutes washing dishes and cleaning up.  This sucks for anyone, but even more so when your time is at a premium and you're worked like a dog for slave wages all day long.  And when "second shift" becomes third or fourth.

Slow food is a great idea if you have the money and the time, or a personal chef to make stuff for you.  I would eat "slow food" all the time if I had a personal chef, slave, robot butler, or house elf to do it for me.  As it is, I find myself opting for the fastest "slow food" I can find.  Like scrambled eggs.  Or peanut butter from the jar. 

I think I would actually like cooking a whole lot more if I weren't FORCED to do it by the circumstance of Japan being stupid about intolerances and allergies. 

Enjoy Nastiness

Did I mention in the other Enjoy Life review how much I hate cookies that are made with raisins and dates as a binder (not as a visible ingredient like chocolate chips are a visible ingredient, though I'm no fan of that either)?  Yeah.  I hate it.  Usually I would see this with "low-cal" cookies to cut the calories in the eggs and milk and whatever.  These have no eggs or dairy.  And with something that contains absolutely no ingredients, you gotta use something to keep it all together.

So your good news, if there is any, is that these cookies contain no gluten, wheat, nuts, soy, eggs, or dairy.  They even don't contain fish or shellfish, which seems very "duh," but which also might have improved the flavor somewhat.  Two tiny little cookies contain 120 calories somehow.  And these are really really tiny.  Even compared to the snickerdoodles.  Just incredibly teensy.

I am not sure how one makes a chocolate cookie with no dairy.  Apparently the answer is "badly."  I could smell the odor of dried fruit from the moment I opened the package.  This one also uses dates, as well as grape, apple, and pear juice.  I guess I'm of the mindset that a chocolate cookie should never contain fruit.  But what do I know?  I decided to give them a shot anyway. 

Horrible. 

The texture was the same as the snickerdoodles, but more offensive because the flavor was just so terrible.  It was like eating a wad of date puree masquerading as a chocolate cookie.  There was probably something like chocolate in there, but it didn't really taste like chocolate.  It tasted like it was something trying to be chocolate.  I suppose if you're a celiac vegan and you've forgotten what a brownie tastes like, maybe it works out for you.  If you're simply celiac, then I hear Betty Crocker has some gluten free brownie mix (I have some in the cupboard, actually, so I'll review it at a later date) that's pretty good.  I wouldn't even bother eating these. 

The only time someone should eat these are:

1.  You're the aforementioned celiac vegan with multiple other allergies
2.  You're stuck on a desert island and this is the only food available
3.  Your mother buys them for you, thinking she's doing something good for you, and you don't want to see her cry

And I might be flexible on #3.  Hopefully your mom could deal with the fact that the cookies she bought you tasted like ass.    

I fixed it! I fixed it!

If you add cheddar cheese to your Tostitos salsa con queso, nuke it, and then put some chopped up, raw tomato on top (I generally use cherry tomatoes because they're less gritty) it is actually pretty cheesy and good! 

It also takes all the spiciness out of the "medium" flavor.  Which I don't mind at all.  But you have been warned.